Introspection
Originally written 21 June 2005, 1530 BST
One of my favoured challenges used to be to justify one's existence, on the spot, in under thirty seconds. It's been quite a while since I did so, and I'm not sure these days if I could. Taking a critical look at myself, there's not much to write home about. I've got an average-level degree in a subject that serves no real useful purpose. I'm in a dead-end job, due to finish three weeks from now which will most likely see me dumped unceremoniously into the depths of unemployment. I don't have anything special about me, nothing at which I really excel to call my forté. Sure, I can cook, I can write and I can GM, but not to any particular standard. It's not like I'm going to bring about world peace or cure cancer through writing books and RPGs or making tiramisu.
So, in essence, what do I have to offer the world? Nothing. I'm another face in the crowd, another spear-thrower left-of-centre, as Pete once put it. Eminently forgettable. The only real reason I'm still here in Loughborough- and, I am reminded, in a year's time this will have been the place I have called home for the longest part of my life- is that I don't want to leave my friends again. We've had a number of departures recently- Rob and Chris have both left, Andy's counting the days, Ed's only around for a couple more weeks and King has taken a step out of the limelight (in some ways a departure as well) and it's reminding me that my reason for staying here is so very, very temporary in itself. If it hadn't been for this damned IT job which I now know never really existed, I'd probably be gearing up to leave for Japan right around now, and a significant portion of me- including a chunk of the part that cries at the thought of losing friends again- is wondering how I could have possibly made the decision to stay. The world would continue to turn if I did go, and six months down the line my face would be as much a fading memory as those of the friends I haven't seen since we parted ways.
Why am I sitting here moping, writing such a miserable entry as this? Aside from, as the title states, probably being a little too introspective at the moment, I figure it's mostly the job-hunt. I noticed an advert go up for another clerical position within our area office, and jumped at writing up an application form for it. However, earlier today the temp from the office in question came past on her way to collect the required disclosure form and I realised that, like the other positions I've gone for recently here, the interview is just for show, a mask of due process on turning an incumbent temporary member of staff into a permanent one. I'm in two minds about handing in the form now, as I know that the job will almost certainly go to the other person whatever I say or do.
I'm pissed off at the fact that it's so hard to get a decent job, and that those I could get are all dead-ends with nowhere to go from them except to more of the same. And I wish- fervently- that I could work out a justification for the choices I've made and the person I am that doesn't sound hollow when I look back at it. I keep thinking 'Maybe I should just go', but I know that would cause more problems in the long run- as much as, every now and again, the idea of upping and leaving in short order appeals to me, I know that letting go of one branch without getting a firm grip on another would lead to a fall. Part of me doesn't want to leave, part of me doesn't want to stay, part of me holds on to the past and the present and part of me refuses to look at anything but the future.
However, after all of that I can (to an extent) justify my existence. The only thing really keeping me in any one place is my circle of friends, the greatest people in the world. When my friends are happy, so am I. And thus, my raison d'etre is to keep my friends happy. It's as noble and rewarding a calling as any other, in my book.
Addendum: I was in a right state when I wrote this yesterday, though in an example of the theme running through it, an unrelated comment from Vicki before I could post it cheered me up immensely- thanks Vixel! Though I decided at the time not to post it, I reconsidered overnight on the grounds that the thoughts were honest at the time. I'm happier now (and have decided to put in the application on the grounds that I know I shit all over the other candidate in IT skills), which goes to prove that my decision to stay here and the reasons for it may well have been the right choice after all.
One of my favoured challenges used to be to justify one's existence, on the spot, in under thirty seconds. It's been quite a while since I did so, and I'm not sure these days if I could. Taking a critical look at myself, there's not much to write home about. I've got an average-level degree in a subject that serves no real useful purpose. I'm in a dead-end job, due to finish three weeks from now which will most likely see me dumped unceremoniously into the depths of unemployment. I don't have anything special about me, nothing at which I really excel to call my forté. Sure, I can cook, I can write and I can GM, but not to any particular standard. It's not like I'm going to bring about world peace or cure cancer through writing books and RPGs or making tiramisu.
So, in essence, what do I have to offer the world? Nothing. I'm another face in the crowd, another spear-thrower left-of-centre, as Pete once put it. Eminently forgettable. The only real reason I'm still here in Loughborough- and, I am reminded, in a year's time this will have been the place I have called home for the longest part of my life- is that I don't want to leave my friends again. We've had a number of departures recently- Rob and Chris have both left, Andy's counting the days, Ed's only around for a couple more weeks and King has taken a step out of the limelight (in some ways a departure as well) and it's reminding me that my reason for staying here is so very, very temporary in itself. If it hadn't been for this damned IT job which I now know never really existed, I'd probably be gearing up to leave for Japan right around now, and a significant portion of me- including a chunk of the part that cries at the thought of losing friends again- is wondering how I could have possibly made the decision to stay. The world would continue to turn if I did go, and six months down the line my face would be as much a fading memory as those of the friends I haven't seen since we parted ways.
Why am I sitting here moping, writing such a miserable entry as this? Aside from, as the title states, probably being a little too introspective at the moment, I figure it's mostly the job-hunt. I noticed an advert go up for another clerical position within our area office, and jumped at writing up an application form for it. However, earlier today the temp from the office in question came past on her way to collect the required disclosure form and I realised that, like the other positions I've gone for recently here, the interview is just for show, a mask of due process on turning an incumbent temporary member of staff into a permanent one. I'm in two minds about handing in the form now, as I know that the job will almost certainly go to the other person whatever I say or do.
I'm pissed off at the fact that it's so hard to get a decent job, and that those I could get are all dead-ends with nowhere to go from them except to more of the same. And I wish- fervently- that I could work out a justification for the choices I've made and the person I am that doesn't sound hollow when I look back at it. I keep thinking 'Maybe I should just go', but I know that would cause more problems in the long run- as much as, every now and again, the idea of upping and leaving in short order appeals to me, I know that letting go of one branch without getting a firm grip on another would lead to a fall. Part of me doesn't want to leave, part of me doesn't want to stay, part of me holds on to the past and the present and part of me refuses to look at anything but the future.
However, after all of that I can (to an extent) justify my existence. The only thing really keeping me in any one place is my circle of friends, the greatest people in the world. When my friends are happy, so am I. And thus, my raison d'etre is to keep my friends happy. It's as noble and rewarding a calling as any other, in my book.
Addendum: I was in a right state when I wrote this yesterday, though in an example of the theme running through it, an unrelated comment from Vicki before I could post it cheered me up immensely- thanks Vixel! Though I decided at the time not to post it, I reconsidered overnight on the grounds that the thoughts were honest at the time. I'm happier now (and have decided to put in the application on the grounds that I know I shit all over the other candidate in IT skills), which goes to prove that my decision to stay here and the reasons for it may well have been the right choice after all.
posted by Union Jackal at 9:48 am
1 Comments:
I'm sure your tiramisu could bring about world peace if fed to the right people, nobody eating something that yummy could get violent (unless you don't make enough!) :)
I'd miss you horribly if you left. You seem to understand me a hell of a lot better than most and despite how much I take the piss out of you, you know I think you're great.
You'll find another job, and probably like it a lot better than the one you're leaving (Hell, you might actually get to do something in this one!) If it turns out crappy, well, when I graduate we'll just have to open that restaurant! :P
*hugs* glad you're feeling better anyhow, and I for one am damn glad you decided to stick around. So there :P
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