It's Just SAD
I find it a little odd that, in recent phone calls and emails, I've been told three times that I sound really happy and upbeat. Either I've suddenly become really good at acting or I'm fooling myself, because the past week or so I've been increasingly 'Meh'. As I can't pin it on any specific cause, I'm putting it down to Seasonal Affective Disorder.
In particular I've become a sight less social. It used to be the case that, rain or shine, I was at the Nuns on a Monday night and Subversion on a Thursday. I think I've managed each about two or three times since the start of the Uni year. I've been involved in one RP session since August, which was cut short in any case. Increasingly I'm ending up deciding that doing anything isn't worth the effort, and this can't be a good thing. Subversion in particular always seems to leave me disappointed at present- the last one in particular is the first night out I've had in quite a while where I've left wishing I'd stayed at home. Maybe it's because it's only really kicking off by the time I have to leave, maybe it's because the DJs' music tastes are evolving along a different direction to mine, maybe it's because the entry fee doesn't make it worth going along for only a couple of hours, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a boring, miserable old goth.
I still haven't heard back from Pertemps about the Dendrite IT job. I'm steeling myself to be told the usual: 'You don't have enough experience, we found a better-qualified candidate.' It'd be great if I did get that job- hell, an interview would be a good start- as the pay's great and it's only ten minutes on foot from home. However, I don't want to get my hopes up. I should be used to disappointment, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've got an interview with BG's IT department this Friday, and again I'm hoping that goes well and they take me on- I really need both the money and the stability.
That, I guess, is the biggest problem. Graeme wants to move out of our place at the end of this academic year, and whilst his reasons are good enough the biggest problems for me are the logistics of the move and the stability issue. Right now, without a permanent or long-term job contract, I shouldn't really take the risk of committing to another year in a property. I can barely afford the rent where I am (and if I end up out of work again I may not be able to afford the last payment at all), so I'm worried that I may end up tied to a contract with no way to pay my debts. On top of that, I don't really know anyone I can ask to help me move- I can't ask my grandparents to help move all my stuff again, and with items like tables and bookcases involved this time round a van is a necessity, and I don't know anyone who'd be willing or able to drive a hired one for us.
About every three weeks at the moment I end up thinking: is there still a reason to stay in Loughborough? I've not got any permanent employment, my savings are looking increasingly sparse, I'm increasingly distant from the social group I'm nominally a part of (the only people I really hang around with any more are Pete, Graeme and Vicki) and my job prospects are bleak. How many more reasons do I have left not to apply for NOVA, or to return to the Netherlands? After all, if my mother and aunt can hold down jobs out there, I reckon I could be in with a shot- my Dutch is better than theirs, and I have a degree and a fair amount of experience. Would that be a better idea? Would I be happier? Would it be worth inevitably losing contact with the friends I have here? I don't know, but I do know moving would mean losing these friends, and I'm not sure I could do that again. My friends are probably the only thing keeping me sane and, every now and again, somewhere close to happy, and I wouldn't give them up for ten times the number of friendly acquaintances.
Song of the Day: The Show Must Go On by Queen- Inside my heart is aching, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on.
In particular I've become a sight less social. It used to be the case that, rain or shine, I was at the Nuns on a Monday night and Subversion on a Thursday. I think I've managed each about two or three times since the start of the Uni year. I've been involved in one RP session since August, which was cut short in any case. Increasingly I'm ending up deciding that doing anything isn't worth the effort, and this can't be a good thing. Subversion in particular always seems to leave me disappointed at present- the last one in particular is the first night out I've had in quite a while where I've left wishing I'd stayed at home. Maybe it's because it's only really kicking off by the time I have to leave, maybe it's because the DJs' music tastes are evolving along a different direction to mine, maybe it's because the entry fee doesn't make it worth going along for only a couple of hours, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a boring, miserable old goth.
I still haven't heard back from Pertemps about the Dendrite IT job. I'm steeling myself to be told the usual: 'You don't have enough experience, we found a better-qualified candidate.' It'd be great if I did get that job- hell, an interview would be a good start- as the pay's great and it's only ten minutes on foot from home. However, I don't want to get my hopes up. I should be used to disappointment, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've got an interview with BG's IT department this Friday, and again I'm hoping that goes well and they take me on- I really need both the money and the stability.
That, I guess, is the biggest problem. Graeme wants to move out of our place at the end of this academic year, and whilst his reasons are good enough the biggest problems for me are the logistics of the move and the stability issue. Right now, without a permanent or long-term job contract, I shouldn't really take the risk of committing to another year in a property. I can barely afford the rent where I am (and if I end up out of work again I may not be able to afford the last payment at all), so I'm worried that I may end up tied to a contract with no way to pay my debts. On top of that, I don't really know anyone I can ask to help me move- I can't ask my grandparents to help move all my stuff again, and with items like tables and bookcases involved this time round a van is a necessity, and I don't know anyone who'd be willing or able to drive a hired one for us.
About every three weeks at the moment I end up thinking: is there still a reason to stay in Loughborough? I've not got any permanent employment, my savings are looking increasingly sparse, I'm increasingly distant from the social group I'm nominally a part of (the only people I really hang around with any more are Pete, Graeme and Vicki) and my job prospects are bleak. How many more reasons do I have left not to apply for NOVA, or to return to the Netherlands? After all, if my mother and aunt can hold down jobs out there, I reckon I could be in with a shot- my Dutch is better than theirs, and I have a degree and a fair amount of experience. Would that be a better idea? Would I be happier? Would it be worth inevitably losing contact with the friends I have here? I don't know, but I do know moving would mean losing these friends, and I'm not sure I could do that again. My friends are probably the only thing keeping me sane and, every now and again, somewhere close to happy, and I wouldn't give them up for ten times the number of friendly acquaintances.
Song of the Day: The Show Must Go On by Queen- Inside my heart is aching, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on.
posted by Union Jackal at 11:25 am
1 Comments:
If I'm free the day you're moving I'll lend a hand, and if we're nice we may be able to persuade Ant to lend a hand in his Ka - might need a few trips though, if he's willing :)
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